Saturday, January 15, 2011

Going Like Sixty

Going Like Sixty

One More Sign I’m Getting Old. Taking a Vote? The Eyes Are Defeated.

Posted: 14 Jan 2011 10:36 PM PST

Getting old.

Not old.

Yet.

1SA4Y7100992415782

was the culprit (numbers have been changed to protect the innocent.)

Yeah, a UPS tracking number from Office Depot.

Here it is FULL FRIGGIN’ SIZE.

UPS Tracking Number

I was shipping payola to St. Todd DeCubbville. It was a 27″x24″x7 3/4″ box of money – small used currency of mixed denominations.

Being careful, I wanted him to have the UPS tracking number.

I just had my eyes checked last week. I commented to Nancy that I wouldn’t need new anything since my prescription had not changed. The doctor confirmed that I am still blind as a one armed paper hanger on stilts.

Between my five focals: tri-focal glasses, single-focal computer glasses, and head-focal au natural vision, I could not get the tracking number typed correctly until I had a set of young eyes read them while I typed.

I remember being 40 and losing patience with geezers who would hold a sheet of paper (shakey too) at arms length, then push their glasses up on their forehead, bring the paper to their nose, then whip off one pair of glasses and put on another pair, hand the sheet of paper to me and say “can you read that?”

And now I are one.

SHIT.

St. Todd DeCubbville sent a nice thank you email:

Need Glasses Bad Vision

Your Horoscope is Wrong. Because There Is a New Zodiac Sign.

Posted: 14 Jan 2011 10:04 AM PST

Meet Ophiuchus.

Ophiuchus is a new Zodiac sign. Yeah, just like I’m suitably old but mysteriously advanced. Doesn’t change a thing.

Your horoscope is wrong. I quit reading horoscopes when I learned to read. Which is to say, I never read my horoscope. But I know people who are loyal readers. I have read about people who structure their lives around their horoscope – or their sign of the Zodiac.

Wonder what those people are doing today when they just suddenly learn that there are now 13 signs of the Zodiac.

My OMG moment when I realized that Taylor Swift and I are no longer Sagittariuses. Sagittari? AND, I just missed being a Ophiuchusian by six days. And I have shifted over two sign zones.

I was a Centaur The Archer. I am now The Scales.

Do. Re. Mi.

La. Di. Da.

Whuck?

Ophiuchus was a part of the Zodiac all along, but nobody in the west knew about it because it was cut out of the traditional astrology charts by the ancient Babylonians. They wanted a 12-month Zodiac calendar, so out went Ophiuchus and the other dates got moved around to compensate. Ophiuchus has always been a part of Japanese astrology traditions, and Ophiuchus is still a legitimate constellation. Still, the discrepancy has thrown off all the star signs.

Here’s the science behind the bogusness of the Zodiac.

  • The Earth wobbles.
  • The ancient Babylonians the Zodiac sign on the position of the sun in the constellations when you were born.
  • The Earth's wobble has knocked your star sign out of alignment.

I’m saying that Astrologer Society and Soothsayers Holistic Organizaton Legend Extension (ASSHOLEs) got themselves some marketing advice and found out it would be good for business if all the existing astrology junk and horoscope garbage suddenly was – shocker – worthless.

Here’s your sign:

New Zodiac Sign Dates

Oh, this only effects anybody being born from here on.

Never mind.

Been there. Done that.
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