The Boomer Chronicles

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Dan the Early Retired Man: How to Sell Your House in a Lousy Economy Posted: 08 Feb 2012 06:32 AM PST My cousin Dan, who retired in 2009 after 37 years working for the U.S. Postal Service, tells the tale of how he unloaded his house in Minnesota. It wasn’t pretty: I recently completed the sale of my home in the worst economy since the Great Depression. If you haven't sold a home in 20 years, here is a condensed version of what to expect. First, you call a realtor who tells you everything that's wrong with your house. Next, you have to "depersonalize" the house by removing pictures, clocks, and artwork, basically everything that makes your house a home.  Then you spend thousands of dollars on changes that you will never be able to enjoy or recoup. That brass chandelier over your dining room table has to go — brass is "dated." The bathroom is too yellow, you will have to paint it beige. Your dining room is too green, you will have to paint it beige. Beige is big with realtors. Your realtor returns a slew of papers written in "legalese," my favorite being the document declaring that my home was not used as a methamphetamine factory. Then your realtor has a party in your kitchen for all of their realtor friends, who also get to tell you what's wrong with your house and what they think the asking price should be. Once the party is over, you wait for the phone to ring. When the realtor calls to tell you that you have a showing, you clean the house, turn on all the lights (because a house 'shows better' with the lights on), pack up the dog and have a Subway sandwich for dinner in a parking lot. You return home 90 minutes later to find half of the lights still on because the realtors are too lazy to shut them off. Twice my back door was left unlocked despite a sign stating, "PLEASE LOCK THE DOOR." But worse are the realtors who don't even show up and can't be bothered to call so you don't miss the finals of American Idol. Finally, you get an offer, but, of course, due to the state of the economy, it's a low-ball offer. The asking price means nothing because in the current economy the buyers want you to give them money back to cover the closing costs and to fix everything found faulty during the inspection. In our case, the buyers found a cat carrier in our basement. Since we didn't state we had a cat they want money to have all the carpets cleaned. Except the carpets are all new and the cat died 10 years ago. Finally, the day comes. You sit across the table from these people who insulted you with their low-ball offer, sign more papers that you can't understand without a law degree — including a page reiterating that you didn't run a methamphetamine lab in your basement. You get the federally mandated closing statement and you see how much money you're going to pay the realtor and wonder, what did he do for all that money other than have a party in your house and list your house on the Internet? You get the check, which is tens of thousands less than you expected, and you head for the bank. If you're lucky like us, you make enough to pay for off your debts, hire a mover, and get on with your new life.

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